APPROPRIATE RULES AND ENFORCEMENT HELP KIDS BECOME HEALTHY ADULTS
Psychologist Offers Tips on Raising Troubled Children

Parents often feel guilty when their children develop problem behaviors. If children frequently misbehave, the parent(s) often feel it means they are not doing their job very well. There are situations when this is true, but the reality is far more complicated, says Jim Morris, Ph.D., director of clinical services for Eckerd Youth Alternatives. 

“People are born with different strengths and weaknesses, but how we deal with them is up to us,” said Morris, whose specialty is clinical psychology. 

Genetic and other biological factors influence children’s behavior, Morris says, and children with disorders like attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) may need special attention. On the other hand, having ADHD or another disorder in no way dooms a child to negative outcomes.

“There is a wide range of possible outcomes for each person and this is where parents play a critical role, setting rules and using these rules to teach appropriate behavior.” 

Morris says parents can help children make the most of life’s opportunities and successfully face its challenges through setting and enforcing appropriate rules. He offers the following basic steps for effective rule making. 

• First, choose the rules you need; in general, having fewer rules is better than having lots of rules.
• Clarify the purpose of the rule (i.e., is it intended to maintain safety, to help teach responsibility, to restrict antisocial behaviors?)
• Choose rules that make sense in terms of the child’s developmental status (four-year-olds shouldn’t be expected to cook the family meals).
• When possible, include the child in the process of setting the rule.
• Once a rule is selected, write it so it clearly defines the desired behavior in enough detail that anyone, such as a babysitter, can read it and fully understand it.
• When possible, write rules in the positive, stating the desired behavior. Sometimes, though, it may be more honest and direct to state a negatives behavior that is to be avoided.
• Attach well-chosen privileges or consequences to the targeted behavior.
• Focus on rewarding positive behaviors, though using negative consequences for important behaviors is certainly acceptable.
• Never use basic needs (such as meals, love, or affection) or prosocial growth activities (such as church, athletics, or volunteer work) as privileges or consequences. These should always be available to a child.
• If a negative consequence is to be used, try to come up with one that either relates to the offense in some natural or logical way (e.g., if you don’t put away your toys, you will not be allowed to take them back out for one day).
• Consider the developmental level of the child and, when possible, involve the child in the selection of the privilege or negative consequence.

Whenever granting a privilege, combine it with praise. Deliver any negative consequences in an unemotional manner. You don’t need to express anger or disappointment: A well-chosen negative consequence will speak for itself.

Morris said parents should seek support in raising children with special needs, ideally from within the family or local community. Sometimes, however, parents may face excessive challenges and need to seek external support.

“It is not easy to raise children, even in the best of circumstances,” said Morris. “Whatever the causes of a behavioral problem, it is important to remember that people can change, problem behaviors can improve and sometimes it just takes enough people providing support to make sure it happens.”