Appropriate Rules and Enforcement Help Kids Become Healthy Adults
Parents often feel guilty when their children develop problem behaviors. If children frequently misbehave, the parent(s) often feel it means they are not doing their job very well. There are situations when this is true, but the reality is far more complicated.
Genetic and other biological factors influence children’s behavior and children with disorders like attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), but these in no way dooms a child to negative outcomes. Parents can help children make the most of life’s opportunities and successfully face its challenges through setting and enforcing appropriate rules:
- Choose only the rules you need. Fewer rules are better than many.
- Clarify the purpose of the rule (i.e., is it intended to maintain safety, to help teach responsibility, to restrict antisocial behaviors?)
- Choose rules that make sense in terms of the child’s developmental status (four-year-olds shouldn’t be expected to cook the family meals).
- When possible, include the child in setting the rule.
- Once a rule is selected, write it down so it clearly defines the desired behavior in enough detail that anyone, such as a babysitter, can read it and fully understand it.
- When possible, write rules in the positive, stating the desired behavior. Sometimes, though, it may be more honest and direct to state a negative behavior that is to be avoided.
- Attach well-chosen privileges or consequences to the targeted behavior.
- Focus on rewarding positive behaviors, though using negative consequences for bad behaviors is certainly acceptable.
- Never use basic needs (such as meals, love, or affection) or pro-social growth activities (such as church, athletics, or volunteer work) as privileges or consequences.
- If a negative consequence is to be used, try to come up with one that either logically relates to the offense (i.e., if you don’t put away your toys, you can’t play with them for one day).
- Consider the developmental level of the child and, when possible, involve the child in the selection of the privilege or negative consequence.
Whenever granting a privilege, combine it with praise. Deliver any negative consequences in an unemotional manner. You don’t need to express anger or disappointment: A well-chosen negative consequence will speak for itself.
Parents should seek support in raising children with special needs, ideally from within the family or local community. Sometimes, however, parents may face excessive challenges and need to seek external support.
It is not easy to raise children, even in the best of circumstances. Whatever the causes of a behavioral problem, it is important to remember that people can change, problem behaviors can improve and sometimes it just takes enough people providing support to make sure it happens.
