For many teens, adolescence is a period for testing limits and building autonomy. As teens gain new responsibilities and ask for more freedom, parents often find themselves treading unfamiliar water, as they struggle to adapt the rules of childhood into guidelines suitable for young adults. Parents who set rules for teens should keep several factors in mind:
- A teen’s newly acquired sense of justice and fairness may lead them to question the relationship between rules and consequences.
- Teens often struggle with showing empathy and consideration for others, and may have trouble viewing situations from someone else’s perspective.
- As teens develop greater capacity for logic, they will often seek explanations for rules and consequences.
Rather than viewing these adolescent attributes as a detriment, parents can use them in the rule-setting process. The best method for setting and enforcing rules is to include the teen in the rule-making process. Three simple steps will make this a painless process.
- Establish the rule and the consequence at the same time. This way, the child is fully informed of consequences before deciding to break a rule, and therefore feels more responsible for the consequence. Furthermore, it is important to discuss both possible scenarios: what happens if the teen follows the rule, and what happens if the teen breaks the rule. For instance, if a teen faithfully adheres to a curfew, would it be possible after, say a month to negotiate a later curfew? Would breaking the curfew result in losing the car keys for a week? It may be necessary to discuss different levels of consequences. Breaking curfew by a few minutes is certainly a different situation than staying out all night without permission, and any discussion about rules should address these disparities.
- Make the rules and consequences specific. Teens tend to be very literal in their interpretation of the rules, so directives like “Be nice to your brother” or “Go pick up your room. I want everything off that floor” are too vague. In the first case, “nice” can be defined broadly, and a teen is likely to choose the most personally beneficial definition. Meanwhile, with the latter example, the teen could simply move everything from the floor, to a pile on the bed. Instead, list the specific behaviors and tasks that must be completed. For instance, “Be nice to your sister” would be better phrased as “Help your brother with his homework.” Use a positive, kind tone with him. Rather than the opaque “Clean your room,” list each task: “Put your dirty clothes in the hamper.” When expectations-and consequences-are specific, a teen has a better understanding of what the parent is looking for. This prevents the misunderstandings that can cause resentment between parent and child.
- Choose relevant, appropriate consequences. The rule and the consequence should be obviously related, and the consequence should be in proportion to the offense. First, it is important that the teen see a relationship between rule and consequence. That’s why it makes sense to take away a teen’s cell phone as a response to, say, excessive text messaging. Not only does this consequence put an end to the undesirable behavior, but the teen can also see a direct, concrete relationship between texting and cell phone use. Furthermore, it is important that the “punishment fit the crime.” Permanently taking away the car keys is probably an overreaction to a teen’s getting into a fender bender. Adolescents’ strong attention to fairness makes them especially prone to anger or resentment if they feel slighted by overly aggressive consequences.
Through open, proactive communication, parents can create and enforce rules for their teenagers. These steps facilitate the shared responsibility and mutual understanding that are central to the establishment of a healthy parent-child relationship.
The information is provided for general reference purposes. It does not constitute medical or other professional advice and should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your child and adolescent psychiatrist or other physician.
